The Fanfix
by Yar Kramer
Summary: (Added Cast! And Chapter 1 wasn't fixed at all!) A hacker named NeoMorpheus discovers that the world he lives in is actually a fanfiction written for the author's own amusement ... Will he be able to defeat the mysterious Agent Elrond? Well, yeah.
1. Prologue

Disclaimer: I own nothing except my own characters! Of which there are none. The rest are parodies of characters from ... Take a wild guess. Also, all fanfics mentioned other than this one are entirely made up merely for the purposes of being mentioned by this fanfic. 

* * * * *

_There are many amazing phenomena in this universe. You may have seen some of them. Perhaps you've seen the _Enterprise_ battling a Star Destroyer. Perhaps you've seen the University of Middle Earth. Perhaps you've even seen Bass and Roll making out. _

But nothing can prepare you for the awesome grandeur of ... 

**_The FANFIX_**   
Prologue

As soon as the IM began, they began tracking it. 

_"Hello?"_

"I'm inside. Anything to report?" 

_"Let's see. Target is from a Mega Man fanfic ... likes ice cream -- probably Bob and George -- but he's closer to X than main series ..."_

They narrowed down that the domain of the E-mail address ended in ".com" 

"All right, you're relieved. Use the usual exit." 

_"Do you know when we're going to make contact? I'm getting bored."_

"Soon." 

They had the domain; now all they needed was the main address. 

_"Just between you and me ... You don't believe it, do you? You don't believe this guy are the One?"_

"I think Nebulus believes he is." 

_"I know. But what about you?"_

"I think Nebulus knows things that I don't." 

_"You're being evasive. It troubles me that you'd think so ill of me, your friend, who hast been by thy side --"_

They had it. Now all they needed was a location. Easy enough ... 

"'Hast' is second person plural." 

_"D'OH!"_

"Are you sure this address is clean?" 

_"Yeah, of course I'm sure."_

And there she was. 

"I better go." 

_"Yeah. Right. Whatever."_

The transmission ended. 

* * * * *

The police cars had the Chase Hotel surrounded. The Chase Hotel had been abandoned after a fire had licked its way across the polyester carpeting, destroying several rooms as it spooled soot across the walls and ceiling, leaving patterns of permanent shadow and also scaring a small cat who had been in residence at the time. 

Four armed police officers came up to Room 303. The biggest one kicked in the door, and they all jumped in. "POLICE! FREEZE!" 

The woman in black leather sat at the computer, her hands still on the keyboard. 

"Get your hands behind your head!" 

She slowly stood up. 

"Hands behind your head! Now! Do it!" 

Outside the hotel, a black sedan with tinted windows glided through the police crousers. Agent Elrond and Agent Shinra got out of the car. They were an odd sight; they wore dark suits and Ray-Bans, even at night. They each had small Secret Service earphones in one ear, its cord coiling back into their shirt collars. 

"Lieutenant?" said Agent Elrond. 

The lieutenant's response was a burst of colorful language. 

"You were given specific orders," said Elrond. "Not free reign." 

"I'm just doing my job," said the officer. "You gimme that jurisdiction and you can cram it up your ass." 

"The orders were for your protection," said Elrond pointedly. 

"I think we can handle one little girl," said the officer in a bored tone. "I sent two units. They're bringing her down now." 

"No, Lieutenant," said Agent Elrond. "Your men are already dead. She's no little girl -- she's twenty-seven." 

* * * * *

Precisely fifteen seconds earlier, the officer in room 303 flicked out his handcuffs, the other cops holding a bead. They'd done this a hundred times, they knew they had her, until the officer reached with the cuff, and Trilogy moved. 

Her hand moved faster than the cops could think. The chair, at its high velocity, sent the officer sprawling, dead before he hit the ground. Another one started to fire, but she nailed him with a direct hit from a Romulan disruptor and he hit a third. 

Trilogy leapt up, felt time slow down, felt the strange sense of _rotation_ every time they used BULLET TIME. The officer fired, and she watched the bullet slowly travel beneath her, leaving a trail of compressed air behind. She reversed into a roundhouse kick, then nailed the officer with a "YUR FIC SUX U LUZ0R!" and several comments about his sexual orientation. 

She looked around. In three more seconds, Agent Elrond would inform the lieutenant that the officers were dead. 

"Shit," said Trilogy. She quickly activated her palmtop computer. "Nebulus!" she typed, "The link was traced! I don't know how!" 

_"I know,"_ said the words on the screen. _"Stay calm."_

"Yeah right," she muttered, and typed, "Are there any agents?" 

_"Yes. I read ahead."_

"Goddammit!" she typed, not knowing precisely why. 

_"You have to focus. You should be mindful of the future, but not at the expense of the moment. There is a phone. Wells and Laxe. You can make it."_

She took a deep breath, centering herself. "All right..." she muttered. 

The screen went blank except for one word. _"Go."_

She dropped it and ran. She was in the hall just as Agent Shinra entered, and went to the opposite end, exiting through a broken window onto the fire excape. She looked around; empty air on either side, a brick wall ahead, and Agent Elrond staring at her below. Only one way to go. Up. 

Agent Shinra rose over the parapet on the roof, leading the cops in pursuit. Trilogy bounced across the gaps between the roofs, now as if she were on a pogo stick, now flying like Wonder Woman. Agent Elrond ignored the gaps completely and walked over empty air as if it was solid ground. The police had to actually jump. 

Trilogy ran towards the back of the building and arrived at the edge. Next roof: forty feet away. No fire escape. Five stories up. 

The cops slowed down, realizing they were about to see something ugly as Trilogy raced towards the edge and jumped into the air. 

"To infinity," she muttered, thrusting her fists out like Superman, "and beyond!" She flew across to the other building and landed. 

Agent Shinra jumped in the air and also made it across, rocketing forward in a ball of fire. 

The police stared, slack-jawed. 

Trilogy hurried down the fire escape, jumped through a window, and ran towards her one hope of escape: a phone booth. No one could have matched her speed ... except for the garbage truck that suddenly made a U-turn and made a beeline for her. 

Trilogy grabbed the suddenly ringing phone -- the truck changed course and headed for the phone booth -- answered it -- the truck's headlights looming forward as though they were taking aim -- From the phone booth there appeared a thought cloud saying "@#$%!" and then it was smashed to bits. 

Agent Elrond got out of the truck and inspected the wreckage. There was no body; he grimaced in frustration as Agent Shinra came up behind him. "Did you get anything from the room?" he asked. 

"Her computer, but she had deleted everything from the Favorite Authors menu," said Agent Shinra. "We only got the name of their next target. Neo Morpheus." 

Agent Elrond turned. "We'll need a search running." 

Agent Shinra nodded. "The search haz jusd begunn." 


	2. Wakeup Call

**_The FANFIX_**   
Chapter 1: Wake-Up Call

The apartment was, of course, a mess. One of the mandatory requirements of having just left college is that your apartment be a mess, whether you live in the year 2002 or 2164. This apartment differed from most, however, in exactly the sort of mess lived in. 

Piles of computer parts, machine parts, and the odd Reploid part were scattered all over the room. In one corner, instead of a pile of unwashed socks, was a pile of disks that hadn't been defragmented. A bookshelf had some disused technical manuals, and also a copy of _Rememberance of Things Past_, the sixteen-volume novel by Marcell Proust. The computer desk, of course, dominated the scene. In front of the computer was a chair; in the chair was a pair of blue jeans and a black T-shirt that said "All your base are belong to us"; and in these clothes was Neo Morpheus. 

He was searching the Internet for something. Specifically, he was looking for a fanfic based on Final Fantasy 67. That game had been released over a century ago, and therefore it was a bit difficult to find _any_ information on it. But he rather liked it, despite the fact that the main character was a complete jackass, and the fact that Squaresoft insisted on making every eleventh Final Fantasy game an online game, thus making the next game suck. 

He finally found it: "The Complete Final Fantasy Fanfiction Archives." "All right," he said with a grin. He clicked onto it, scrolled to "67" ... There! Seven stories! He decided he liked the summary of the third one, so he clicked on it. 

That's when things began to become odd. The first line of the story was, in capital letters, "THE FANFIX HAS YOU, NEO MORPHEUS." 

"What the hell?" he said, not really expecting an answer. That was the only text visible on the screen, so he scrolled down a bit. The next line was "FOLLOW THE WHITE VOGON." 

He blinked a few times and scrolled down some more. The next line visible was "KNOCK KNOCK, NEO MORPHEUS." 

Immediately, the door knocked. Neo Morpheus jumped at the sound, then answered the door. 

There was no one immediately visible at first, but then his friend Kain leaned into Neo's view and said, in as ludicrous a silly voice as he could manage, "TIMMAY!!!" 

"I swear, if you do that again," began Neo Morpheus, but Kain waved it away. 

"Hey, c'mon, Timmy, what got you on edge? You actin' like you saw a ghost." Kain was a bizzare-looking Reploid, talking punk and sporting dreadlocks and silver armor. Reploids were robots that could think and feel like a human. Occasionally, some Reploids broke the First Law of Robotics (which is far too well documented for me to repeat it) and went Maverick. Er, anyway, Kain's girlfriend, Dujour, walked into view at about that point, her night blue armor covered in decals and stickers of all sort, accompanied by a larger group of humans and Reploids. 

"Well ..." Neo frowned. "Have you ever had a dream that ... It was so real, but you were sure you were awake?" 

"'Course not," said Kain. "I'm a Reploid. Reploids don't dream! We defragment our memory cores!" 

Neo winced. "Well, there goes that idea. What were you doing here?" 

"I wanted to get that program offa you fo' hackin' into the Pentagon that you made," said Kain. 

"If you've got the cash," said Neo. 

Kain handed him two packs of hundred-dollar bills. "Two grand." 

Neo took the money, then brought down the third copy of _Remembrance of Things Past_ on the left and opened it, revealing several diskettes. He took out one of them and put in the money, then gave Kain the diskette. "There you go," he said. 

"That's cool," said Kain, "but first, you got a spare night? We was goin' to the Rave fo' a night o' mind-numbin' insanity." 

"Nah," said Neo, "I've got work tomorrow." 

"Come on, it's gonna be great, man!" said Kain. "Won't it, Dujour?" 

"Definitely," said Dujour, embracing Kain and revealing part of her back, which had several bizzare decals, including, on her left shoulder -- 

-- an extremely faded sticker depicting what should have been a green alien, but had long ago lost all the pigmentation other than black. 

Neo felt the room tilt. "Sure," he said, "I'll go. What the hell." 

* * * * *

Neo Morpheus was completely unsure about why he was there. He had never liked crowds, and getting smashed off his ass wasn't a stunt he was sure he felt like pulling, nor was bouncing up and down to heavy metal. 

And that's what was going on at this party. Getting smashed, and heavy metal. Most of it was "composed" by Reploids, for which he did not fault them personally, but Reploids had the habit of composing, in Neo's opinion, both the best and the worst of the music that was broadcast around the world. 

Besides which, the only reason he'd gone to the party in the first place was a bizzare message in a fanfic. _That's it,_ he thought, _I'm outta here._

He turned to go and almost ran into a woman in a black dress. "Hello, Neo Morpheus," she said. 

Neo's jaw dropped. "How do you know that name??" 

"I know a lot of things about you," she said. "I even know what you did last summer. My name is Trilogy." 

"Whoa, whoa, wait a second," said Neo. "_The_ Trilogy?? The Trilogy who hacked into the FBI's website? The Trilogy who disabled the missiles on both sides during that 'conflict'? The Trilogy who caused every single porn site to crash simultaneously??" 

"Not _every_ single porn site," sait Trilogy. "Nor was the FBI a particular challenge. And that was a long time ago." 

"Sheesh," said Neo. "It's guys like you who give us hackers a bad name." 

"I'm not a 'guy,'" said Trilogy. 

"Hey, that was you, wasn't it?" said Neo. "You messed with that fanfiction story?" 

Trilogy nodded. "I can't explain everything to you. I'm sure that it's all going to seem very strange, but I brought you here to warn you, Neo Morpheus. You are in a lot of danger." 

"What?" asked Neo. "Why?" 

"THEY are watching you," said Trilogy ominously, and the music chose that moment to play out a jarring chord. At least, it jarred Neo Morpheus. 

"THEY?" said Neo. "You mean Big Brother et al?" 

"Something like that," said Trilogy. "THEY're watching you. Something happened and THEY found out about you. Normally if THEY find out about one of our targets, we let them go. But in this case, we'll make an exception." 

Neo Morpheus cleared his throat. "Is it because I'm supposed to fulfil some sort of destiny, or is it because you think I'm hot?" 

Trilogy glared at him, but let it slide. "You came here because you wanted to know the answer to the H4X0R's question." 

"What is the Fanfix?" said Neo. 

"The truth is out there, Neo Morpheus," said Trilogy. "The man who can answer the question is looking for you, and he will find you, if you happen to feel like it. That's all I can tell you for now. Goodbye, Neo Morpheus." She turned to leave. 

"Wait!" said Neo, trying to follow her. "Who are you talking about?" 

"Who do you think?" said Trilogy, and then left. 

Neo Morpheus grimaced. "Of course," he muttered. "I suppose a worse question would be --" 

* * * * *

"--_WHY_ did the system break TODAY??" exclaimed Neo Morpheus as he raced down the stairs at nine fifteen in the morning. He arrived at the FanfixTech building too little, too late. 

"Mr. Anderson," said Brianheart, his boss, "I was beginning to get a little worried there. When you began to arrive _on time_ for two weeks straight, I was afraid something had happened to you." 

Neo squirmed, grimacing. He watched the two window cleaners on the scaffolding outside the office. 

"This company is one of the most successful software companies blah blah blah part of a cohesive whole blah blah blah you seem to think the rules don't blahply to you. Do you have anything remotely resembling a reasonable excuse this time?" asked Brianheart. 

"Will you accept the alarm clock system in my building having gone on the fritz this morning?" asked Neo. 

"If you can prove --" began Brianheart, but his computer beeped. He tapped a key. "Yes?" 

_"Sir, the alarm clock system in Apartment Complex 21-B was on the fritz this morning,"_ said a voice from the computer. 

Brianheart rolled his eyes and he turned back to Neo Morpheus. "Try to be on time from now on. Please?" 

"I'll do my best, Mr. Brianheart," said Neo. He went back to his cubicle. 

A man from UPEx unexpectedly showed up. "Timothy Anderson?" 

"That would be me," said Neo Morpheus, looking up. He took the package and signed the computer-type-thing. 

"Thank you," said the UPEx man. "Have a nice day." 

Neo opened the package and found, to his surprise, a cell phone. Immediately, it rang. Neo Morpheus jumped and flipped it open. 

_"Hello, Neo Morpheus. Do you know who I am?"_

Neo almost dropped it. "Nebulus!" he muttered. 

_"Yes,"_ said the voice on the other end. _"I had hoped that we would be able to converse under less stressful conditions, but we can't count on hope, can we?"_

"Uh, no," said Neo. 

_"I've been wanting to meet you and I'm not sure you're ready to see what I have to show you, but we've run out of time. THEY are coming for you."_

"Who?" asked Neo. 

_"Stand up and see for yourself."_

"Now? 

_"Now."_ Neo did so. _"Slowly. The elevator."_

Neo stood up. He saw two Secret Service-type-people at the elevator, flanked by a group of police officers. He sat back down. "Holy shit," he said. 

_"Yes,"_ was Nebulus's response. 

"Will it help if I hide in the cubicle across from me, then make a daring escape via the scaffolding outside to the rooftop?" asked Neo. 

There was a pause. _"Pretty much, yeah,"_ said Nebulus. 

Neo snuck into the cubicle across from his and hid against the wall. After a moment, the two Agents approached and looked into his cubicle. They shrugged and sent an officer to search the bathrooms. 

_"The best way to get to the scaffolding is via the last office on the left,"_ said Nebulus. _"It's empty. Stay as low as you can."_

Neo Morpheus shrugged and raced to the last office on his left, staying as low as he could. Almost there ... 

He went in. Nobody was inside. 

_"Open the window and drop this cell phone, then get to the scaffolding,"_ said Nebulus. _"Then jump onto the passing hoverbike."_

Neo opened the window and dropped the cell phone. He thought he saw heard Nebulus say _"Cowabunga"_ over it, but he couldn't be sure. He climbed up onto the window ledge. Hanging onto the frame, he stepped onto the small ledge. 

"This is insane," he said. "Of course, that's probably why I'm doing it." 

He inched his way along the ledge, then looked at the scaffolding, which was past a columb that stuck out all the way to the ledge. "Oh, a stunt, eh?" muttered Neo. "Nyuck nyuck nyuck nyuck." 

He swung around and was on the next ledge. He dashed over to the scaffolding and jumped on. The scaffold shook; he looked around and saw a -- 

Behind him, the office door opened and the two Agents entered. Agent Elrond began, "Mr. Brianheart, we -- oh." 

"What?" said Mr. Brianheart. He turned around, just in time to see Neo Morpheus jump off the scaffolding and onto the passing hoverbike. Mr. Brianheart fainted. 

"Let's go," said Agent Elrond. 

"I hate it when these parodies don't hold true to the original," muttered Agent Shinra. 

* * * * *

"Whee, that was fun," said Neo as Trilogy landed the hoverbike in the alley. "Now when do I meet Nebulus??" 

"Shortly," said Trilogy. "Come on." 

She led him up to a black sedan. (No, it isn't the same one as in the prologue.) Inside were two others: a green-haired woman and a swarthy man, both not much older than Neo and both wearing black leather. The car started up and the woman turned around and pointed a gun in Neo's face. "What the hell?" exclaimed Neo Morpheus. 

"This is for our protection," said the woman. 

"From what?" asked Neo. 

"You," said the woman. "Take off your shirt." 

"You have GOT to be kidding me," said Neo. 

The woman rolled her eyes in annoyance and said, "Stop the car." The car stopped. "Listen, there's two ways of doing this," she said. "Our way, or the highway." 

"Okay, then, the highway it is," said Neo, reaching for the door handle. 

"Hey," said the man, "what about those 'agent' guys?" 

"Okay, then, your way it is," said Neo, taking off his jacket and shirt. 

The man started again and took out a bizzare-looking machine attatched to a laptop. "Here we go," he said, giving it to Trilogy. 

Trilogy hooked a wire from the machine to Neo's navel. She typed in something on the laptop, and a message appeared saying _"Please do not press this button again."_

"Uh-oh," said Trilogy. "He's been bugged!" 

"What the ..." said Neo Morpheus. He looked at the laptop screen as an image of Z from _Antz_ appeared in one of the windows. "What the hell's _that!?_" 

"A bug," said Trilogy. "What does it look like?" 

More images of insects from various movies appeared as Trilogy frantically typed away. "Oh shit, he's got a wounded mosquito!" 

"Come on, work fast!" said the woman. 

"Clear!" said Trilogy. 

"What the --" began Neo, right before getting a nasty shock to his navel. "Gaah!" 

"Again!" said the green-haired woman. 

There was another zap, a smiley face appeared on the screen, and Trilogy removed a disk from the laptop and threw it out the window. 

"Now _that_ was weird," said Neo Morpheus. 

The green-haired woman smirked. "You ain't seen nothin' yet." 

* * * * *

The car pulled up to the forgotten Hotel Lafriggingit. It had been abandoned for a long time; it was a center of putrefying elegance and a prime example of what happens when the budget in a first-class hotel gets cut. 

"Here we are," said the man. 

"Thank you, Alexin," said Trilogy. 

"Alexin?" muttered Neo Morpheus. 

"You heard of me?" said Alexin. 

"No, I ..." Neo Morpheus shrugged. "I remember hearing it in an FF1 fanfic ..." 

Alexin grinned. "Yep, that'd be it," he said cryptically. 

They got out of the car. "Let's go," said Trilogy. "He's waiting." 

Trilogy led Neo Morpheus to room 666. "Figures," said Neo Morpheus. 

"This is it," said Trilogy. 

Neo Morpheus heard his heart pounding. 

"Let me give you one piece of advice," said Trilogy. "Be honest. He knows more than you can imagine." 

"Oh, great," said Neo Morpheus. "And I suppose you also expect me to _relax_." 

They went in. A dark figure wearing a dark coat and dark glasses stared out the dark windows. He turned, and his grin seemed to light up the room. "At last," he said. He strode up to Neo Morpheus and shook hands. "Welcome, Neo Morpheus. As you have no doubt guessed, I am Nebulus." 

"I'm honored," said Neo. 

"No, Neo Morpheus," said Nebulus. "The honor is mine. Come, sit down." 

Two lawn chairs with a small table between them sat incongruously in the room. Neo Morpheus and Nebulus sat down across from each other. "Thank you, Trilogy," said Nebulus, and she bowed and left. 

"I imagine, right now, you must be feeling a bit like Arthur Dent, teleported up to the Vogon ship?" said Nebulus. 

"Something like that," said Neo Morpheus. 

"I can see it in your eyes," said Nebulus. "You have the look of a man who accepts what he sees because he is expecting to wake up." A razor-thin smile curled at his lips. "Ironically, that is not far from the truth. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Can you tell me, Neo Morpheus, why you are here?" 

Neo shrugged. "Well, if you're asking me it like that, you probably have an answer that's a hell of a lot better than any _I_ could come up with." 

"Indeed," said Nebulus. "You're here because you know something. What you know you can't explain, but you feel it. You've felt it all your life. That feeling that something was wrong with the world. You don't know what it is but it's there, like a splinter in your mind, driving you mad. It is this feeling that has brought you to me. Do you know -- Wake up!" 

"Huh?" Neo Morpheus shook himself. "I'm awake. It's the Fanfix, isn't it?" 

"The Fanfix is everywhere. It's in this room. It's all around us. You can see it out your window, or on your television. You can feel it when you save the world, or go to church, or pay your taxes." 

Neo Morpheus frowned. "Save the --" 

"Unfortunately," continued Nebulus, "no one can be told what the Fanfix is. You have to see it for yourself." He took out a small palmtop computer and put it on the table in front of them. He pushed a key, and the word **Click here!** appeared in blue. "This is your last chance. After this, there's no going back. You take the blue link, and the story ends. You wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe." He pushed another key, and **Click here!** appeared in red. "You take the red link, and you stay on the galactic hitch-hike, and see just where this Vogon ship goes." 

Neo Morpheus reached for the palmtop computer and clicked the red link. 

Nebulus smiled that glass-cutting smile again as if he'd known which one would have been clicked. "Follow me," he said, getting up. 

Neo Morpheus followed, getting a strange feeling in his head. They arrived in what appeared to be a generic supervillain's hideout: computers were everywhere, and a bizzare-looking chair lined the wall. Trilogy, Alexin, the green-haired woman, and three others were already there. 

"I've got a bad feeling about this," said a blonde-haired man wearing a grey overcoat with a strange, red cross-like symbol on each arm, working at some hovering goggles. 

"Haven't I always told you, Seifer," Nebulus said to him, "not to let your fears control your life. Alexin, are we online?" 

Neo heard the sound of a modem dialing up. "Almost," said Alexin. 

"Neo Morpheus, time is always against us," said Nebulus. "Will you take a seat there?" 

Neo shrugged and sat down in the chair. "Can we get on with this?" he said. 

"Yeah, sure," said Nebulus as Trilogy put a bizzare headset on Neo's head. "Let's just skip a couple lines. Just relax." 

"Oh, sure, yeah right," said Neo Morpheus. 

"The link you clicked was part of a trace program," continued Nebulus. "It's going to pinpoint your exact location in the Fanfix." 

"What does that mean?" asked Neo. 

"It means," said Seifer, looking up from his goggles, "fasten your seatbelt, Tidus, 'cos Zanarkand is going bye-bye!" 

The strange sensation became more and more intense. Neo Morpheus felt himself shaking. On second thought, it was the world that was shaking. The vibrating sensation took on a new level ... 

"Alexin?" said Nebulus. 

"Still nothing." 

A strange glow permeated the world. His vision blurred. Wait, it wasn't blurred ... it was _pixellated ..._ "This can't be ..." 

"Be what?" said Nebulus. "Be real? Have you ever had a dream that you were so sure was real? What if you could never wake up from that dream?" 

"It would SUCK!" snapped Neo. 

Nebulus pushed a button and spoke into a microphone. "Thinks, we're gonna need that signal soon. Stay calm, Neo Morpheus." 

"Yeah, right!" snapped Neo, his voice sounding bizzare. 

And then, right when the world was at 600x800 resolution -- 

**This program has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down.   
If the problem persists, contact your software vendor.**

-- everything went blank. 


	3. The World Beyond ... Something

**_The FANFIX_**   
Chapter 2: The World Beyond ... Something

-------------------------

Slowly, words appeared. First, in blue letters, the word FANFIX. Then a row of pale, underlined links against a dark blue bar. And then ... the bizzare, twisted alphabet. 

The meaningless words were tumbled against the white background, each character seeming to have nothing to do with the rest; a few were similar in appearance, grouped together, but overall, they seemed random, and all cascaded across like a sea of twisted alphabet soup. 

One randomly flowing letter seemed to struggle. It shook itself as if trying to get free from the flow ... 

... and then the entire scene shattered as a fist was shoved through it. 

Neo Morpheus was in a small compartment. He withdrew his fist, shaking, and looked around outside. Thousands of these scenes were scattered around, ordered on humongous columns like banks of television screens. 

And then, a cursor appeared. Neo Morpheus tried to duck away, but it clicked on him, and he fell through the suddenly-open back of the compartment. After falling down a drain, he collapsed onto the ground. A claw reached down from above, grabbed him, and pulled him up like an amusement part prize. 

The last thing he saw before everything faded completely was Nebulus's face saying "Welcome, Neo Morpheus, to the real world." 

* * * * *

"Urgh ..." Neo Morpheus found himself lying on a strange medical bed, a thousand needles sticking out of him. "Am I dead?" he slurred. 

"Far from it. You've never lived," said a deep voice. Nebulus, Neo realized. 

"What are you doing?" he asked, eyeing the needles. 

"Acupuncture," said Nebulus. "It works wonders reconstructing atrophied muscles." 

Neo Morpheus winced. "Why does my brain hurt so much ...?" 

"You've never used it before," said Nebulus matter-of-factly. 

The world faded to black again. 

When he next awoke, Neo Morpheus was in what looked to him like the quarters of a submarine. Or a more acurate term would perhaps be "sixteenths" given the cramped size. Nebulus entered; Neo noticed he was dressed in a sweater and pants that had seen better days. 

"Where _are_ we?" said Neo Morpheus. 

"More important than where is _when_," said Nebulus. 

"Okay, then. _When_ are we?" said Neo. 

"You think it's the year 2164," said Nebulus, "when in fact it's closer to 2004. I can't tell you exactly when it is, because we ... honestly don't know. We don't get out much. Also, while you were still in 2164, you would have thought that no matter what went on _here_. Five years could pass when the Fanfix has you and you'd never know it." 

"Yeah, okay," said Neo Morpheus. "This is starting to make sense, in a meaningless kinda way ..." 

"There's nothing I can say that will explain it for you, Neo Morpheus," said Nebulus. "Come with me. See for yourself." 

They left and went down the dark hall, reminiscent of a scene in _Alien_. "This is my ship," said Nebulus, "the _Narcissist_." They arrived in a room that reminded Neo Morpheus of the bridge of the ship in the _Lost In Space_ movie. Everyone was dressed much the same way Nebulus was: in other words, badly. "This is the main deck. Some of my crew you already know." 

Trilogy smiled and nodded to Neo Morpheus. 

"Here is Alexin, Kristal," -- the green-haired woman smirked -- "Seifer," -- the blonde-haired man, now with less-organized hair and a tattered version of his grey coat -- "Kenny," -- a young man dressed in orange -- "Thinks, and Dozent." -- Two young black men who appeared to be mechanics each raised a hand and smiled. "Oh, and that little guy over there is Cats." 

Neo Morpheus turned. A young man in a purple shirt and a green hairstyle was there; he waved and smiled shyly. "His English isn't that good," said Nebulus. Neo resisted the temptation to ask one of several stupid questions. 

"This is the User Page," said Nebulus. "It is here that we hack into the Fanfix." 

A large computer was on one wall. In place of the suspended animation pods from _Lost In Space_ were a set of bizzarely high-tech elevated hairdressing chairs. "Help him, Trilogy," said Nebulus. Neo Morpheus allowed himself to be helped onto the chair; the head-thing was lowered onto his head. "This will feel a little weird," said Nebulus. 

Then there was a click, and Neo Morpheus felt himself turned inside-out. 

-------------------------

When he opened his eyes, he found himself in an empty, blank-white space. He looked around; nothing was there. For all he knew, he could be looking for light-years, or inches. 

"We call this the Upload," said Nebulus. 

Startled, Neo Morpheus turned around and saw him ... exactly as he had been in the Hotel Lafriggingit. Nebulus continued. "It is our loading fanfic. We can load anything from clothes, to weapons, to adventures, to mysteries ... Anything we need." 

Nebulus passed Neo Morpheus, who then saw the lawn chairs from the Hotel Lafriggingit and a laptop computer on a table. "We're in a computer simulation?" said Neo. 

"More like a blank fanfic," said Nebulus. "The clothes we were wearing when we were still in the Fanfix, by the way, came with us when we left, and since most of us were younger, we grew out of them. Hence, the ... cosmetic changes." 

Neo Morpheus looked down at the table. "This isn't real?" he said dumbly. 

"What is _real_?" said Nebulus. "How do you define _real_? If _real_ is what you can see, think, and put into words, then _real_ is simply what you can imagine." 

"Then what if I 'imagine' having lots of cash?" asked Neo Morpheus. "Would I get it?" 

"Well, it doesn't quite work that way," said Nebulus, sitting down in one of the chairs. "The world you live in affects your imagination, not the other way around, although sometimes it comes close." 

He pushed a key on the computer. The screen lit up, revealing ... "This is the New York you know," he said. "The New York from 2164. People and Reploids go around in aircars; there's no pollution, or what's left of it is compensated by advancements in biotechnology; people are happy, except when Sigma occasionally shows up. This New York exists only as part of one of a collection of stories we call the Fanfix." He turned to Neo Morpheus. "You've been living in a fanfic, Neo Morpheus. This is New York as it exists today." 

He pushed another key. What was now on the screen was somewhat ghastly, and had to be seen to be believed. 

"Look there, Neo Morpheus," said Nebulus. "Pollution. Overcrowding. Discrimination. SPAM is still manufactured. Wars are fought. The World Trade Center is still fresh on everyone's minds. And people need to find a means of escape. They do this through movies, or the Internet, or books ..." He turned to Neo Morpheus. "Or fan fiction." 

On the screen appeared the endless columns of Fanfix screens. "People wrote these fan fictions that were put into the Fanfix, and we lived the scenes they wrote; some were good, some were awful, some lacked the essential components of either extreme. And you were in one of them. We acted out the parts, and had no free will of our own ... no matter what we believed." 

It all began to sink into Neo Morpheus's brain. "No," he said. "That's not true! That's impossible!!" 

"Search your feelings," said Nebulus. "You know it to be true." 

"No!!" yelled Neo. "Although, come to think of it, it _does_ account for a lot of things. But nevertheless: Get me out of here!! Get me --" 

-------------------------

"--out! Get me outta this thing!" He thrashed about wildly in the bizzare hairdresser's chair. 

"Easy," said Trilogy. Dozent held Neo Morpheus down while Trilogy removed the head-thing. 

"Don't touch me! Get away from me!" yelled Neo Morpheus, stumbling out of the chair. 

"He's gonna pop!" exclaimed Seifer. 

Neo Morpheus leaped away from them and hit his head on a pipe. 

* * * * *

Neo Morpheus woke up in the bed in his sixteenths. He glanced upwards, then slumped again. "I can't go back, can I?" 

"No," said Nebulus. "But if you could, would you really want to?" 

"No," said Neo Morpheus. 

"I feel I owe you an apology," said Nebulus. "There is a rule that we do not free a mind once it reaches a certain age. It is dangerous; they have trouble letting go. Their mind turns against them. Seifer calls it 'popping'. Him, we got from a fanfic that showed him in his early teens." 

"Right," said Neo. "So, uh, what's up with me, then?" 

"I freed you because I had to," said Nebulus. "When the Fanfix was first created, there was a fanfic written whose protagonist had the ability to change what he wanted, to remake the Fanfix as he saw fit. It was he who freed the first of us. When his author died, so did he, and the Oracle at Zoner prophesized his return and envisioned an end to the war and freedom for our people. I did what I did because I believe that we --" 

"Let me guess," said Neo Morpheus. "Me, right?" 

"Uh, yeah," said Nebulus. He stood up. "Get some rest," he said. "You're gonna need it." 

"For what?" 

"Training." 

* * * * *

The shorter of the two black men entered. "Mornin'," he said. "Sleep any?" 

"Uh, no," said Neo Morpheus. 

"Too bad," said the man. "I'm Thinks. I'll be your Moderator." 

He offered his hand and Neo Morpheus shook it. "Um ..." Neo wasn't sure how to put it. "What ... what were you from? Were you from ...?" 

"Nope," said Thinks. "Me and my brother Dozent, we're 100% pure BS. Born right here in the real world. Genuine child of Zoner." 

"Zoner?" 

"If the war ends today," said Thinks, "Zoner's where the party'll be. It's this safe haven for excaped Fanfix characters ... and people like me who were never in it. You'll see it some day." He smiled. "Goddamn it, am I excited to see what you're capable of. I mean, we aren't supposed to talk about it, but ..." 

"... but that didn't stop Nebulus," said Neo Morpheus. 

Thinks shrugged. "A lotta rules don't stop Nebulus," he said. "Like gravity, sometimes. But, uh, anyway, we got a lot to do, so let's get to it." 

* * * * *

"So, let's see," said Thinks, holding up a pile of diskettes. "We're supposed to start with these operating fics ... but that's a load of boring shit, so let's try something fun." He tossed most of the disks over his shoulder. "Howabout martial arts for starters?" 

"Sounds cool," said Neo Morpheus. "Whaddaya got?" 

"Well, let's see," said Thinks, looking over the remaining disks. "We've got stories teachin' about karate, judo, drunken boxing, jujitsu, ninjitsu, deja fu, even the powerful technique of Qrrbrbirlbel -- the whole works." 

"Qrrb-huh?" said Neo. 

Thinks grinned and slid the disk into the slot. 

Neo Morpheus felt a -- 

-------------------------

-- jolt to his senses and -- 

-------------------------

-- suddenly found a section of his mind open that he didn't know had been there before. Come to think of it, it probably _hadn't_ been there before. 

"Holy shit!" he said. 

"He likes it! Hey Mikey!" said Thinks. "Ready for more?" 

"Hell yeah!" said Neo. 

* * * * *

"How long has he been in there?" said Nebulus. 

"Ten hours straight," said Thinks. "Not even any bathroom breaks. He's a machine." 

Neo Morpheus spasmed in his chair and "woke up." He looked up at them. "I know Deja Fu," he said. 

"Show me," said Nebulus. 

-------------------------

They were in a fighting dojo. Both were wearing karate gis. 

"This is a sparring story," said Nebulus. "It's similar to the ones in the Fanfix, only nothing happens in it. Some of the rules are the same, such as gravity." He assumed a fighting stance. "Attack me." 

Neo Morpheus assumed a similar stance, then attacked him. He'd read a Jackie Chan fanfic once, and knew how this was supposed to work -- 

--but apparently, in this case, Nebulus was the "hero" being attacked, and he blocked every single blow. 

-------------------------

In the mess hall, the rest of the crew of the _Narcissist_ was eating McDonald's meals. 

Kenny suddenly burst in. "Nebulus is fighting Neo Morpheus!" he exclaimed. The others immediately jumped up and went to the main deck. 

-------------------------

"Good job," said Nebulus. "Improvisation. Adaptation. But your weakness is not your technique." 

"Good point," said Neo Morpheus. "I think I'll skip the scene where _you_ start attacking, in that case." And then he _moved_ as though he were some sort of unstoppable force. And Nebulus was the unmovable object. 

-------------------------

Everyone was gathered around behind Tank as though watching a game of Street Fighter II Advance Hyper-Combo Turbo Megadrive Dishwasher (or whatever the latest remake of Street Fighter II was called). 

"This guy are quick!" said Cats. 

"Shut up, Cats," said Thinks. 

-------------------------

And, in case you haven't guessed, Nebulus was still blocking everything. "Stop trying to hit me and _hit me!_" he barked. 

"Uh, okay," said Neo Morpheus, and punched him in the nose. 

-------------------------

There was a silence in the main deck. 

"That was sudden," said Seifer. 

-------------------------

"That was fun," said Neo Morpheus. 

"I'm glad you liked it," said Nebulus. "Thinks, load the jump fic." 

The dojo disappeared and they found themselves standing on top of a twenty-story building. 

"Oh no," said Neo Morpheus. "This isn't what I think it is, is it?" 

"To _really_ succeed in the Fanfix," said Nebulus, "you need to free your mind." And with that, he took a running leap, and _flew_ across to a building fifty feet away. 

"Whoa," said Neo Morpheus. 

"If it helps," called Nebulus, "try and emulate your favorite superhero." 

"Okey-dokie!" said Neo. "Here we go ..." 

-------------------------

"What he if of it making?" said Cats. 

"Nobody's ever made their first flight," said Alexin. 

"What _does_ he if of it making?" 

"He won't," said Alexin. 

"Never been done," said Thinks. 

"They all pick someone stupid," said Kenny. 

Trilogy muttered, "Come on, Neo Morpheus ... You can do it ..." 

-------------------------

"Okay," said Neo Morpheus. "Emulate a superhero ..." 

He took a running leap ... jumped off the building ... "BATMAN!" he exclaimed. "No! Wait!" 

He plummeted twenty stories and bounced into the Nerf pavement. 

-------------------------

"So what meaning are this?" said Cats. 

"It doesn't mean anything," said Alexin. "Everybody picks a dumb superhero the first time. Right, Tril ...?" He turned, but Trilogy was gone. 

When he disconnected, Neo Morpheus coughed. He tasted blood in his mouth. "I thought you said this wasn't real," he said. 

"Your mind makes it real," said Nebulus. "We can do almost anything we want in the Fanfix, but it takes a lot of effort. Also, we can't change anything, we can't flee faster than a speeding bullet, and we can't survive getting killed." 

A sudden alarm startled them. "We get signal!" said Cats, dashing to a console. 

"What!" exclaimed Nebulus. 

Cats put his hand over a switch. "Main screen turn--" 

"Just turn the damn thing on, will ya?" said Seifer, getting to another console. "Okay, looks like we got company: a bunch of flamers at four fifteen!" 

"What should we do until then?" said Kris, as everyone scrambled for their stations. Neo Morpheus followed Nebulus, Thinks, and Dozent to the bridge, which apparently had been extracted from a fanfic with the _Millenium Falcon_ in it. The _Narcissist_ began flying down a tunnel. 

"Is the FR charged?" said Nebulus. 

"Just give the word," said Dozent, hand over a large red button marked "Do not press". 

"What's the FR?" said Neo Morpheus. 

"File Removal," said Nebulus. 

"Our best bet against flamers," said Thinks. A hologram showing a bunch of dumb guys spewing flames appeared. 

"Go right over there," said Nebulus, pointing to a large chamber. The hovercraft began to land. "Now we power down." 

"The File Removal gets rid of everything fictional in the area," said Nebulus. 

They landed and powered down. And then a Flamer came into view. 

It looked like a really dumb guy, the dumbest thing Neo Morpheus ever seen. It towered over them, muttering expletives, and a flame came out of its mouth. 

"A Flamer," said Nebulus. "They destroy the integrity of authors, and reduce fanfics to pale shades of themselves." 

The Flamer looked around for a bit, then abruptly got up and went away. Those in the bridge heaved a collective sigh of relief. 

"Well," said Nebulus, "let's just lay low for a little while." 

* * * * *

Neo Morpheus found Seifer sitting at a console, looking at the scattered characters streaming across the screen. 

He turned and jumped. "Whoa!" he exclaimed. "Neo Morpheus, you scared the GF's outta me!" 

"GF's?" said Neo. 

"Guardian Forces," said Seifer. "Tell you later." 

Neo Morpheus turned to the screen. "Is this ...?" he said. 

"The Fanfix? Yeah." Seifer looked at it. "I don't even see the codes anymore ... I see ..." He pointed at the scrolling rows. "Uh, Tifa, Yuna, Garnet ..." He shrugged. "I know what you're thinking, because I've been thinking the same thing for the past nine years. _Why_ didn't I pick the _blue_ link??" 

"Because your curiosity got the better of you," said Neo Morpheus. 

"Point," said Seifer. 

"So ..." Neo Morpheus looked for the right words. "What's it like here? I mean, normally." 

"Well, you know how it is," said Seifer. "Do your job, get up on time, risk life and limb just to get on someone's nerves, and hope to hell Nebulus knows what he's doing." 

"I can identify with that," said Neo Morpheus. "Welcome to my world." 

-------------------------

* * * * *

"I know that this isn't 'real'," said Seifer, picking up the slice of pizza, "and that the Fanfix is telling me this pizza is nice and cheezy, and the beer is great and cold. Just some illusion created for someone's entertainment." 

"Do we have a deal, Mr. Almasy?" said Agent Elrond, sitting across from him and looking incongruous in the rather seedy pizza joint. 

"You know what I've decided after nine years?" asked Seifer. He took a bite. "Ignorance is bliss." He savored the bite. "Mmm ..." 

"Then we have a deal," said Agent Elrond. 

"I don't wanna remember _nothin'_," said Seifer. "You put me back in the box. I wanna be in some fic where Rinoa ends up with me, maybe an A.U. where I get all-powerful. And I give you what you want." 

"The access codes for Zoner," said Agent Elrond. 

"I told you, I don't know that," said Seifer. "But I can get you the guy who does." 

"Nebulus," said Agent Elrond. 

"Yep," said Seifer. "Say, this scene doesn't have enough comedy to make that one guy from Monty Python laugh." 

"Yes," said Elrond. "Perhaps we should resort to gratuitiously breaking the fourth wall." 

"Uh, we're doing that," said Seifer. 

Agent Elrond grimaced. "Then let's just abruptly end the chapter." 


	4. The Unexpected Oracle

**_The FANFIX_**   
Chapter 3: The Unexpected Oracle

"The Fanfix is a system," said Nebulus, as he and Neo Morpheus walked through the crowds. "Just like any system, some of the rules can be bent, and others broken. But some people who are still part of the system have become so dependant on it that they'll fight to stay a part of it." 

Neo Morpheus wasn't sure why he had been taken here while this was being explained. He wasn't even sure what the fanfic was about. Oh, whatever. 

"So you need to know, Neo Morpheus, that no matter what, if you're not with us, you're potentially against us." 

Neo suddenly saw Roll. He knew who Roll was, of course: anyone who knew a thing about the history of Reploids knew about the robots Dr. Light built. She smiled as she passed them, and the hairs stood on the back of his (admittedly illusionary) neck. 

"Neo Morpheus, were you listening to me, or were you looking at the girl in the red dress?" 

"Oh, you mean Roll?" said Neo. 

"Look again," said Nebulus. 

Neo turned, and suddenly Roll was Agent Nimoy, pointing a gun in his face. "Gah!" 

"Freeze program," said Nebulus, and the world froze in place. 

"What the hell is this??" exclaimed Neo Morpheus. 

"An Agent, Neo Morpheus," said Nebulus. "They are sentient characters created to regulate the Fanfix." 

"Then this isn't ..." Neo Morpheus suddenly reassessed the situation. 

"The Fanfix? No," said Nebulus. "This fic has one of the most important object lessons we can come up with: if you're not one of us, you're one of THEM." 

"Ah, yes," said Neo Morpheus. "THEM. I was wondering when you'd get around to explaining THEM to me." 

"I won't lie to you, Neo Morpheus," said Nebulus. "Every single person who has gone up against an Agent is dead. If they aren't shot, their fic is discontinued, and they cease to exist." 

"In that case, if I'm the One --" Neo Morpheus grimaced. "Are you saying I can dodge bullets?" 

"No, Neo Morpheus," said Nebulus. "I'm saying that when the time comes, there will be such a great plot contrivance that you won't need to." 

-------------------------

* * * * *

Yesterday, Burger King. Today, Wendy's. Tomorrow, the world. Neo Morpheus didn't think much about the health benefits of what they typically ate outside the Fanfix, but he had to admit that it tasted okay.. 

"Ah," said Kris as she took a bite. "Absolutely nothing the body needs." 

"Hey, it's not ALL the body doesn't need," said Kenny. 

Kris and Alexin exchanged a glance. "Here it comes," muttered Alexin. 

"I mean, look at _some_ of the foods they've got there," continued Kenny. "I mean, on the list of ingredients, some of the ingredients _themselves_ have lists of themselves. Once I saw beta carotene listed as an ingredient _of itself!_" 

"So what you're saying is that lots of food is made from junk," said Neo Morpheus. 

Kenny smiled. "Yep, and if you eat too much, you'll end up full of junk!" 

Song and Dance routine ("Be Careful What you Eat," by the Animanacs). 

**(KENNY:)** Grade A milk emulsified,   
Malto-dextrin alkalide,   
Silicon deoxylite,   
Lots of sugar -- **(KRIS & N.M.:)** Hey, all right! 

**(KENNY:)** Calcified synthetic salt,   
Artificial barley malt,   
Glycerine and aspertate,   
Folic acid -- **(ALEXIN:)** That tastes great. 

**(ALL except CATS:)** Monosodium glutamate,   
Dehydrated calceinate!   
Soybean oil, butter fat,   
Carmel center -- **(CATS:)** Eat I'll that! 

_(enter Nebulus)_

**(TRILOGY, ALEXIN, & KRIS:)** Hooray for sugar 'cause we love it,   
Chocolate chips we want more of it,   
Cakes and ice cream, watch us shove it,   
Down our throats real fast! 

_(They do this. Nebulus gets a resigned look on his face as though he's seen this before)_

**(CATS:)** Candy bar here's a, you've tried it?   
**(TRILOGY:)** Hey let's all see what's inside it! 

**(N.M.:)** Gellllllllatinized triglycerine,   
Phosphate soybean lecethin,   
Deoxylite tri-silicon,   
Dipped in chocolate -- **(KENNY & ALEXIN:)** Bring it on! 

**(N.M.:)** Citrus enzymes, BHT,   
Powdered milk -- **(KRIS:)** Sounds good to me!   
**(N.M.:)** Baking soda, carob gum,   
Carbohydrates -- **(TRILOGY:)** Yummy yum! 

**(ALL except CATS:)** Monosodium glutamate,   
Zinc disodium algenate!   
Whole grain flour, yeast, and fat,   
**(CATS:)** Eat to it time, do I'll that! 

_(Nebulus steps fully into the room.)_

**(NEBULUS:)** This is a great show,   
But the scene's not moving slow.   
Now let's really quickly wrap it up,   
'Cause now we have to go!

"Um ... okay," said Kenny. 

"Go where?" said Neo Morpheus. 

"To see the Oracle," said Nebulus. 

-------------------------

* * * * *

On a table in Room 666 of the Hotel Lafriggingit, a computer started up. 

-------------------------

The entire crew except for Thinks and Dozent was getting into their chairs. Now they were all full up, and unless they went to Zoner to get replacement chairs, no one more could enter the Fanfix from the _Narcissist_. 

-------------------------

The computer continued to start up. 

-------------------------

"Okay, you gonna stop at the Upload, or just goin' in with what you had before?" said Dozent. 

"Just put us in, Dozent," said Seifer. 

"We have enough things for now," said Nebulus. 

-------------------------

The computer continued to start up. 

-------------------------

Neo Morpheus was a bit nervous about returning to the Fanfix for the first time. Apparently they were going to a Superman fanfic, but they were staying well away from the action. Also, it seemed to have the same hotel that Nebulus had first met him in. 

-------------------------

The computer continued to start up. 

-------------------------

"Okay, here we go," said Thinks. He pushed a button. 

-------------------------

The computer continued to start up. Nebulus walked over just as it finished, brought up Yahoo! Instant Messenger, typed "We're in", hit send, and shut the computer off. Neo Morpheus noted that Cats was now six feet tall and had a hairstyle similar to that of Marge Simpson. He also wore purple robes and several robotic face implants. Neo's suspicions that Cats was who he thought he was were confirmed. 

"Cats, you and Alexin hold the exit," said Nebulus. "Let's go." 

"For great justice," said Cats. 

They descended the large staircase and left the hotel. Kris and Kenny stayed at the door. 

"We should be back in an hour," said Nebulus. 

And for no comprehensible reason, Seifer threw a palmtop computer into a trash can. 

They got into a black sedan and Nebulus drove them into the street. 

"Did you have to go through this?" said Neo Morpheus. 

"We all did," said Trilogy. 

"What did the Oracle tell you?" 

"He told me a bunch of things," she said. 

"Can we skip this scene??" said Seifer. 

Silence descended. "Uh, we refer to sequences of events as 'scenes' even though we're not part of the Fanfix anymore," said Seifer after a moment. 

"So we're not actually breaking the Fourth Wall?" said Neo Morpheus. 

"Neo Morpheus, an awareness of the Fourth Wall is, in itself, breaking it," said Nebulus. 

"How about we just shut up?" said Seifer. 

"Great idea!" said Neo. "I'm down with that." 

* * * * *

They drove up to an apartment building. "We're here," said Nebulus. 

They got out. Trilogy and Seifer waited outside the building as Nebulus and Neo Morpheus entered. They boarded an elevator, and Nebulus pressed the button for the fifth floor. 

"So this ... oracle," said Neo Morpheus. "He knows everything?" 

"He'd say he knows enough," said Nebulus. 

"Is he from a fanfic?" asked Neo Morpheus. He wanted to know what he was getting into. 

"Yes, but try not to think of it in that regard," said Nebulus. "He's from fanfiction, but at the same time he's something more. Try not to think of what he says in terms of right or wrong, either. Sometimes he can say things that are misleading, and aren't literally correct except from a certain point of view." 

"What did he tell you?" 

"He told me that I'd find the One." 

"So, nothing new, huh?" 

* * * * *

They got out and approached Room 513. "I can only show you the door," said Nebulus. "You yourself must walk through it." 

Neo Morpheus considered that they had forgotten to bring up this comment earlier, then knocked on the door. A woman in a nurse's gown opened up the door. "Hello, Nebulus," she said. "We've been expecting you." 

They entered the front hallway of the apartment. "Wait here," the nurse said to Nebulus. 

She brought Neo Morpheus into the livingroom, where a number of children, as well as The Tick, sat around, and an unheeded television displayed a scene from _The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy_. "You can wait here with the other Unuploadeds," she told Neo Morpheus, and left the room. 

In one corner, two girls were playing with blocks, telekinetically making them hover. In the middle of the room sat The Tick, apparently meditating. Off to one side sat a toddler in buddist monk robes, bending spoons with his mind. Neo Morpheus sat down in front of the boy, who offered him a spoon. 

Neo Morpheus took it and stared at it for a bit. 

The boy watched him. "Do not try and bend the spoon," he said. "That's impossible. Instead, try to realize the truth." 

"What truth?" said Neo Morpheus. 

The boy looked at him earnestly. "There is no --" 

"SSPOOOOOOOON!!!" said The Tick. 

"There is no spoon?" said Neo Morpheus. 

"No," said the boy. "There is no --" 

"SSPOOOOOOOON!!!" said The Tick. 

"Oh," said Neo Morpheus. "I gotcha. There is no --" 

"SSPOOOOOOOON!!!" said The Tick. 

"Try to realize that you are really bending yourself," said the boy. 

Neo Morpheus stared at it. The spoon began to bend ... 

"The Oracle will see you now," said the nurse. 

* * * * *

Neo Morpheus stepped into the kitchen and smelled baking cookies ... and he found that the Oracle was the last being he would have expected. "Just a minute," said the small, wrinked, robed, pointy-eared figure in front of the oven. "Only a moment will I be." 

"... Yoda??" said Neo Morpheus. 

"What you were expecting was I not, hmm?" said the Oracle, turning to face him. "A wise old sorcerer, or even an aged grandparent, perhaps. But expecting you have I been. Oh, and do not worry about the vase." 

"Vase? What vase?" said Neo Morpheus, bumping into a stand with a vase on it. It fell and broke. "Oh -- I'm sorry ..." 

"Apologize you need not," said Yoda. "Repair it one of the children will. But a more interesting thought there is: Would still have you broken it, had nothing I said?" 

Neo Morpheus looked around; it had everything a kitchen in a middle-lower-class apartment building should have, but it seemed that none of it really _existed_ unless he focused on it. The alphabet refrigerator magnets ... the wall clock ... 

"Too poorly described some fanfiction is," murmered Yoda, walking over to one counter. "But impede the flow of the story, excessive description does." He leaped up onto the counter and faced Neo Morpheus. "Told you, did Nebulus, why you are here?" 

"Yes, he did," said Neo. 

"And what do you think?" said Yoda. "The One, are you?" 

Neo Morpheus considered. "Uh, maybe. Yeah, I guess." 

"So certain are you," said Yoda, "speaking to a muppet? Hmm?" 

Neo Morpheus didn't have an answer to that. 

"Of such confidence I approve," said Yoda. "But the truth you do not know." 

"What truth?" asked Neo Morpheus. "That there is no --" 

"SSPOOOOOOOON!!!" said The Tick from the other room. 

"No," said Yoda gravely. "There is another. But once you discover it, it may be too late." 

"Why?" said Neo. "Too late for what?" 

Yoda closed his eyes. "Difficult to see," he said finally. "Always in motion is the future." 

"I was afraid you'd say that," said Neo. "But what _do_ you see?" 

"I see what I have always seen," said the Oracle. "But this do I know: the gift you have, but the power to change the Fanfix that the One had, you have not. Not yet. Still waiting you are." 

"Waiting for what?" said Neo Morpheus. 

"Perhaps another life," said Yoda. He snorted. "He is too old," he said to the air. "Too old to begin the training." 

"Um, aren't you supposed to be an oracle?" said Neo Morpheus. "You know, seeing the future, and whatnot." 

"The future?" He snorted. "Believe you to be the One, Nebulus does. Convince him otherwise, no one can. His undoing it will be." He looked Neo Morpheus in the eye. "His, or yours. If killed are you, then live he will. But if survive you do, Nebulus will not. Die, one of you will." 

He let that sink in a moment, then picked up an oven mitt and hopped off the counter, pulling open the oven door as he did so. "But better will you feel once you leave," he said, pulling the tray of cookies out. "Remember you will that believe in this 'fate crap' you do not. (Here, have a cookie.) Once finish this cookie you do, feel perfectly fine you will." 

Neo Morpheus took the cookie and stared at it. 

* * * * *

"What the Oracle said was for you and you alone," said Nebulus as they rode the elevator back down. 

There was a pause. Neo Morpheus stared at the uneaten cookie in his hand. 

"Did he mention me?" said Nebulus. 

* * * * *

"Here they come," said Trilogy as Neo Morpheus and Nebulus arrived. 

-------------------------

"Hey, Dozent, come look at this a minute," said Thinks. 

-------------------------

The black sedan pulled up to the Hotel Lafriggingit. 

-------------------------

"What the hell ...?" said Dozent, looking at the screen. 

-------------------------

They ascended the stairs. As Neo Morpheus passed by a landing, he passed a painting he hadn't seen before: a picture of Zeus coming out of a photocopier. "Oh, I get it," he said. "A deus ex machina." 

The others stopped and turned. 

-------------------------

"Ohhhhhhh shitshitshitshit ..." muttered Thinks as he saw the pattern the symbols were forming. 

-------------------------

"What did you say?" said Trilogy. 

"Uh, a deus ex machina," said Neo. "There's this painting I didn't see before ... What's going on?" 

"A deus ex machina is usually a glitch in the Fanfix," said Trilogy. "It usually happens when they change something." 

-------------------------

"It's a trap!" exclaimed Thinks. 

"What do we do!?" said Dozent. 

"We panic, that's what!" said Thinks. 

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!" they both said. 

-------------------------

"Did you just feel something weird?" said Alexin. 

"All your strange sensation," said Cats, "are belong to us." 

Alexin opened up the drapes, revealing ... a brick wall. 

"Oh crap," said Cats. "Time it getting out of is ..." He opened up a violin case, revealing a plasma assault rifle. "... THE BIG GUNS!" 

The wall burst open and twenty stormtroopers rushed in, blasting away. Cats and Alexin returned fire, and, yes, these were stormtroopers we're talking about, but ten-to-one odds didn't cut it. 

-------------------------

And then the monitors for Cats and Alexin's life signs went dead. 

-------------------------

Nebulus looked around. "What did they change??" he said. 

Seifer pulled open the curtains, revealing the bricks. "Ah, that," said Nebulus. 

"We're doomed!" moaned Seifer. 

"Hey, what happened to the gunblade-weilding badass?" said Kenny. 

"I never became him!" said Seifer. "You stole me from my teens, remember?" 

"Oh, right," said Kenny. "But that's still out of character for you." 

Nebulus ignored them. He took out a palmtop computer and typed, "Thinks, find some way to get us out of here no matter how contrived." 

-------------------------

"Oh, great," said Dozent. "Now he wants us to make plot devices of our own." 

Thinks brought up a schematic. "Okay, on the eighth floor, there's a way down the wet wall ..." He typed a message to the others. 

-------------------------

Agent Elrond fingered his earpiece. 

"Eighth floor," he muttered. "They're on the eighth floor." 

* * * * *

Meanwhile, the remaining group descended the wet wall in almost absolute silence. They got caught once or twice for a minute or two, but they were making good progress. 

A light briefly appeared in the hole above them. 

* * * * *

"They're gone," Agent Nimoy muttered to Agent Elrond. 

"It's not my fault," said Agent Elrond. 

"We need to find them," said Agent Shinra. 

* * * * *

Seifer got some dust in his nose. He began to sniffle ... 

Trilogy put a finger to her lips ... 

Seifer sneezed. 

Directly outside the wall they were in, the officer muttered, "They're in the walls." He shouted, "They're in the walls!" 

Suddenly, he began to glow blue and spasm uncontrollably. Then the glow disappeared, and Agent Elrond stood in his place. 

There was tension in the wet wall, and then a fist slammed through. 

"It's an agent!" exclaimed Seifer. 

"No shit!" said Kenny. 

"GO!" exclaimed Nebulus, smashing through the wall. 

"Can we skip the dialogue about me trying to save him and GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE!?" shouted Neo Morpheus, jumping straight down and taking Trilogy, Seifer, Kris, and Kenny with him. 

Remember how Nebulus was moving really fast in his fight with Neo Morpheus? Well Agent Elrond was literally a blur. He slammed Nebulus against the wall. 

"So, we meet at last, Mr. Nebulus," said Agent Elrond. 

"And you are?" said Nebulus. 

"The name's Elrond," was the reply. "_Agent_ Elrond." 

"You all look the same to me," said Nebulus. 

"You can't win, you know," said Agent Elrond. 

"I already have," said Nebulus. 

-------------------------

Thinks answered the ... phone message? "Operator," he said. 

_"Hey, I need help getting out!"_ said Seifer's voice. 

"What the ...?" muttered Thinks. "Did we skip a scene or something?" 

-------------------------

"Yeah," said Seifer into the pay phone as the burning wreck of a paddy wagon lay nearby. "I think in a rough draft of the script there's a scene they cut where I get captured or something, then there's an accident. Just get me outta here!" 

_"Hold tight,"_ came Thinks' response. _"I think I can jury rig a connection to where you are ..."_

And then Seifer -- 

-------------------------

-- woke up in the Narcissist. 

"You okay, man?" said Dozent. 

"Yeah, I'm fine," said Seifer. 

-------------------------

Trilogy, Neo Morpheus, Kris, and Kenny came out of a manhole cover. 

"We need a phone," said Trilogy. 

"Well there's a pay phone," said Neo Morpheus. 

-------------------------

Seifer moved a heavy blanket aside, revealing a high-powered plasma rifle. 

-------------------------

Clark Kent's cell phone rang and he answered it. "Hello? This is Clark Kent," he said. 

There was a response. 

"_Who_ is this??" exclaimed Clark Kent. 

There was a further response. 

"All right," he said. "I'm on my way." 

-------------------------

"Well, Trin, the jury-rig I made up off the top of my head blew right after Seifer got in," said Thinks. "Use the one in that dark, mysterious, cliché, abandoned shop over there." 

_"Okay,"_ said Trilogy. _"See you later."_

"'Bye," said Thinks, hanging up. "Now how come I suddenly got the feeling there's about to be a huge-ass plot twist?" 

"THIS'S why!" said Seifer, blasting him with the plasma rifle. 

Dozent gasped. "NOOOOOO!" he screamed, and launched himself at Seifer, who blasted him to bits. 

-------------------------

In the dark, mysterious, cliché, abandoned shop over there, the phone began to ring. 

"God I love that sound," said Kris. 

"Me first," said Trilogy, picking up the phone. 

"I just had a weird feeling," muttered Neo Morpheus. 

_"Hello, Trilogy,"_ came Seifer's voice. 

"Seifer??" said Trilogy. "Where's Thinks?" 

There was a silence. 

_"You know, for a long time, Trilogy, I thought I was in love with you ..."_

"What the hell!?" exclaimed Trilogy. "You killed them!!" 

"Ah, that would be it," said Neo Morpheus. 


	5. Rescue Reploids

**_The FANFIX_**   
Chapter 4: Rescue Reploids

-------------------------

Seifer blinked. They caught on fast. He walked over to where Kenny sat in the high-tech hairdressers' chair. "Um, yeah, so ..." 

_"I can't BELIEVE you'd betray us! And it makes it even worse if you're supposed to have a crush on me!!"_

Seifer thought he heard Neo Morpheus make a comment; he couldn't have been sure. But it didn't matter. "Well, too bad," he said. "It looks better for my image if I don't look like I have a reason, so rather than let you spout that inevitable self- and Nebulus-congratulation, let's cut to the chase. If you have any deep, important secrets you want to tell Kenny, you'd better do it now." He grabbed the wire connected to Kenny's head. 

-------------------------

Trilogy turned to stare at Kenny. So did the others. 

"Let me guess," he said, nervously looking back at them. "Better luck next episode?" 

-------------------------

"Too late," said Seifer, and pulled the plug. 

-------------------------

Kenny promptly died. 

"Oh my god!" exclaimed Trilogy. "You killed Kenny! You bastard!" 

_"Hey, don't blame me!"_ said Seifer. _"I'm just the messenger! Oh, and ask Kris if she has anything she wants to say."_

Trilogy relayed this message. 

Kris responded with profanity. 

"She wants revenge," said Trilogy. 

_"Too bad,"_ said Seifer. 

Kris abruptly died. 

-------------------------

"Now, Trilogy, let's try an experiment," said Seifer. "I want to know. _Is_ Neo Morpheus the One? Because if he is, then I'm not going to be able to kill him. Some plot device or deus ex machina will stop me. Look into his eyes, those cute little eyes of his --" 

_"Ewwwwwww!"_

"I didn't mean it like THAT!" snapped Seifer. 

-------------------------

_"_Is_ he the One or _isn't_ he??"_

Trilogy looked Neo Morpheus in the eye. 

"Yes," she said. "He is." 

-------------------------

"No," said Seifer. "That can't be true! I don't believe it!" 

"Believe THIS!" said Thinks, blasting him to bits with the plasma rifle. 

-------------------------

"What the hell ...?" said Neo Morpheus. "I actually heard that." 

"Apparently it's the plot device or deus ex machina that stopped him from killing you," said Trilogy. 

_"Hey ... you there? It's me, Thinks."_

"Thinks!" exclaimed Trilogy. "You're all right!" 

_"No thanks to Mr. Messenger here,"_ said Thinks. _"One escape route comin' right up!"_

-------------------------

"That settles it," said Neo as Thinks pulled off the head thing. "That is DEFINITELY the best time I ever left the Fanfix." 

"It's the second time," said Thinks. 

"Hey, you're hurt!" said Trilogy. 

"Eh, just a burn," he said. "I can handle it." 

"Thinks," said Neo Morpheus, "there is a charred black hole in your side." 

"Well what am I, a surgeon??" said Thinks. 

-------------------------

The three Agents were standing with Nebulus handcuffed to a chair in the presidential suite of the Seventy-Story Hotel. 

"Apparently our operative has faild," said Agent Elrond. 

"Never send a human to do a computer program's job," said Agent Nimoy. "Especially subtraction." 

"Well," said Agent Shinra, "let's get cracking." 

A strange humming buzz was heard from outside. It became lear that it was an Imperial interrogation droid, which floated into the room. 

"And now, Nebulus," said Agent Elrond, "we will discuss the access codes for Zoner." 

-------------------------

"What are they doing to him?" said Neo Morpheus. 

"They're trying to lower his resistance," said Thinks. "If they lower it enough, he'll tell them whatever they want." 

"The access codes to Zoner!" exclaimed Neo Morpheus. "We've got to go save him!" He dashed towards one of the chairs. 

"Talk about your suicide runs," said Thinks. "What makes you think that you've got a snowball's chance in hell to do it??" 

"Because," said Neo Morpheus, "the Oracle says I'm not the One!" 

"Well then I'm going with you," said Trilogy. "I'm pulling rank. And if you don't like it, I believe you can go to hell." 

"Well then let's get going," said Neo Morpheus, sitting back down in the chair. 

"Okay, here comes the Upload," said Thinks. 

-------------------------

Neo Morpheus and Trilogy appeared in the Upload. 

-------------------------

"So, what do you need?" said Thinks. "Besides a miracle. Or a _really_ contrived plot device." 

-------------------------

"Guns," said Neo Morpheus. "Lots of guns." 

Several hundred racks of various weapons each a mile long appeared around them. 

"Yep, that's enough," said Neo Morpheus. 

"No one's ever done anything like this before," said Trilogy. 

"I got the idea from a fanfic," said Neo Morpheus. "Oh, and can we change our appearance, or maybe take on the attributes or abilities of characters?" 

_"Well, a few people have managed it,"_ said Thinks. _"... for ten seconds. Afterwards they got one hell of a hangover. And only the One's taken on abilities."_

"Okay," said Neo Morpheus. "Here's what else I want." 

* * * * *

"His resistance to the mind probe is considerable," said Agent Shinra. "It will be some time before we can get anything coherent out of him other than that one 'I'll see you in hell.'" 

"Perhaps we should try an alternative form of persuasion," said Agent Nimoy. 

"Leave me with him," said Agent Elrond. 

Nimoy and Shinra exchanged a glance, shrugged, and left. 

* * * * *

Neo Morpheus and Trinity entered the Seventy-Story Hotel; Trilogy drew along a metal suitcase. Both wore trenchcoats. 

As Neo Morpheus entered the metal detector, the alarm went off and the security officer approached him. 

The security officer recited, "Please remove any metal objects you may be carrying, including keys, loose change, guns, paperclips, explosives ..." 

Neo Morpheus opened his trenchcoat, revealing red and black metal Reploid armor, complete with Maverick insignia. 

"Holy shit!" said the officer. 

Neo Morpheus charged his NeoBuster and vaporized the officer. 

* * * * *

"Let me let you in on a secret, Nebulus," said Agent Elrond, removing his shades and earpiece and leaning up close to Nebulus's face. "I ... hate ... this place. It's the _smell_." 

"Get yourself ... a better ... actor," wheezed Nebulus. 

"Right, that's it," said Agent Elrond. "Now I'll sing selections from Disney movies." 

* * * * *

They proceeded to engage in a scene of gratuitous violence, first against everyone who was currently in the lobby, then against the stormtroopers who rushed in afterwards. Oh, and Trilogy had red and black form-fitting armor. 

* * * * *

"Sooooooomedaaaaaaaaaay, my priiiiiiiiiince will coooooooooooooome ..." 

Agents Shinra and Nimoy entered. "What are you doing?" said Nimoy. 

Agent Elrond hurriedly put the earpiece and Ray-Bans back on. "....What happened?" he said. 

"He doesn't know," said Agent Shinra. 

"Know what?" said Agent Elrond. 

* * * * *

They went into the elevator and Trilogy removed the bomb from the black suitcase. Er, there was a bomb in the suitcase. Anyway, They climbed out and grabbed hold of the cables. 

"There is no spoon," said Neo Morpheus, and blasted the cable holding the elevator up. 

The elevator plummeted downwards, and on the counterweight, Neo Morpheus and Trinity plummeted upwards. 

The elevator hit the bottom floor. Ding! KABOOM! 

* * * * *

The sprinkler system turned on. 

"Somebody set up us the bomb," said Agent Shinra. 

* * * * *

"Repeat," said the stormtrooper in the helicopter, "we're under attack!" 

Neo Morpheus and Trinity were singlehandedly wiping out the squad of troopers on the roof. Granted, this isn't particularly difficult, knowing stormtroopers, but they were being overly impressive about it. 

The trooper in the helicopter suddenly glowed blue and became Agent Shinra, who stepped out. Neo Morpheus saw, and began firing from one of the AK-47s he had. Agent Shinra dodged every single bullet, until finally Neo ran out. 

"Trilogy!" said Neo Morpheus. "...Help!" 

Agent Shinra fired, and Neo Morpheus ... 

... transformed into a huge, roaring monster rabbit Maverick, off which the bullets bounced. Agent Shinra paused as Neo Morpheus transformed back. 

"Boy, good thing Thinks gave us the 'transform' attribute," said Neo Morpheus. 

"Don't scare me like that!!" snapped Agent Shinra, and resumed firing. 

Suddenly, everything slowed down! The world seemed to rotate! Neo Morpheus was able to dodge the bullets almost with ease! This was BULLET TIME. 

And then two scraped him and he fell flat on his back. Agent Shinra pointed the gun in his face. "Only human ..." he said. 

Trilogy pointed her gun in Agent Shinra's face. "Dodge THIS." 

A thought cloud containing "@#$%!" appeared over Agent Shinra's head before she blasted it to bits. 

Agent Shinra's body fell to the ground and became that of a stormtrooper. 

"How did you move that fast!?" said Trilogy. 

"I have no idea," said Neo Morpheus, proudly. 

Trilogy blinked. "Can you fly this thing?" she said, gesturing at the helicopter. 

"No, can you?" said Neo Morpheus. 

"No," said Trilogy. "Let's fly it together." 

-------------------------

"I can't either," said Thinks. 

-------------------------

"I guessed that," said Neo Morpheus. "Look, just upload some kind of helicopter-flying program into one of us." 

-------------------------

"Comin' right up," said Thinks. "Hey, wait, how are we communicating?" 

_"The armor has comm devices."_

"Well, glad we got _that_ plothole outta the way," said Thinks, inserting a disk. 

-------------------------

Trilogy blinked a couple times as classical music played very fast and backwards in her head. "Okay," she said when it stopped. "Let's go." 

* * * * *

"Fascinating," said Agent Nimoy. 

"They're actually attacking," said Agent Elrond. 

"Those pricks offed me," said Agent Shinra as he entered, in that same impassive tone of voice. 

And then the helicopter hovered next to them outside the window and started to blast everything in the room to bits. 

"No," growled Agent Elrond. "Not the upholstery ..." 

"Get up, Nebulus!!" called Neo Morpheus as he shot up the room. "Get up!" 

The Agents returned fire, but nothing seemed to work. 

And then Nebulus woke up, jumped up, raced out -- 

"NOO!" said Agent Elrond, firing. 

-- and Nebulus leaped out the window towards the helicopter. 

"Yay! We did it!" said Neo Morpheus. 

A bullet hit the helicopter's fuel line. The helicopter began to spin out of control. 

"Oh dammers," said Neo Morpheus. "It looks like we're gonna crash, after all." 

"Look!" said Nebulus. "Over there, in the sky!" 

"What, that?" said Neo Morpheus. "It's a bird." 

"No, it's a plane," said Trilogy. "No, wait, it's ..." 

Nebulus gave that toothy grin of his. "It's Superman." 

And Superman caught the helicopter! He changed his course and carried the helicopter safely to a rooftop. 

"Thanks for the, ah, lift," said Neo Morpheus as he got out. 

"Any time," said Superman. "The Oracle told me everything." 

Nebulus shrugged. "It may be hard to believe, but --" 

There was a blue glow, and Superman became Agent Nimoy. 

Nebulus had a gun raised and pointed at Agent Nimoy's forehead even before the blue glow faded. A thought cloud containing "@#$%!" appeared briefly above Agent Nimoy's head before Nebulus blew a bullet all the way through him. 

The Agent became Superman, who as you know is invincible. "What was _that_??" he said. 

"That was an Agent," said Nebulus. He grinned at Neo Morpheus. "I _knew_ you were the One." 

"Um, Nebulus," said Neo Morpheus. "The Oracle said ..." 

"He said," said Nebulus, "exactly what you needed to hear." 

"Great," said Neo Morpheus. "Here's the comm device." 

"Allow me," said Nebulus. "Thinks? Find us a way out." 

-------------------------

"Boy, am I glad to hear _you!_" said Thinks. "Got an exit ready, in this subway station thingy." 

_"See you soon,"_ said Nebulus. 

-------------------------

"Good news," said Agent Shinra. "We have their position." 

"So let's order the strike already," said Agent Nimoy. 

Agent Elrond growled. "They're not out yet ..." he murmered. 

* * * * *

The trio arrived at the subway station thingy as a phone began to ring. A homeless old man lay in a tattered sleeping bag nearby. 

"Let's go," said Neo Morpheus. "You first, Nebulus." 

Nebulus took the phone and vanished. The old man's eyes widened. 

"Neo Morpheus," said Trilogy, hanging up the phone (which promptly began ringing again). "There's something I've been wanting to tell you. The oracle told me a lot of things, and all but one of them have come true ..." 

"Um, Trilogy," said Neo Morpheus, "you don't need to embarass yourself. It's so _obvious_ what's going on that old guy over there could figure it out. Uh ... the old guy ... who's starting to glow blue ..." 

Trilogy grabbed the phone and disappeared just as Agent Elrond fired, blasting the phone to bits. 

-------------------------

"Neo!" exclaimed Trilogy. 

"What the hell just happened!?" exclaimed Thinks. 

"An Agent, that's what!" exclaimed Trilogy. 

"Um, can we stop all this exclaimation, please?" exclaimed Nebulus. 

-------------------------

"Young fool," said Agent Elrond. "Even now, Mr. Anderson, you don't realize the truth." 

"I still don't get exactly why you're here," said Neo Morpheus. "And my name is Neo Morpheus." 

"We are here," said Agent Elrond, "to protect the plot continuum within this fanfiction." 

"Yeah, but it looks like you're making it worse," said Neo Morpheus. 

"Shut up and JUSDIE!" snapped Agent Elrond, firing. 

Both leaped into the air, blasting away and entering BULLET TIME. They seemed to hover a moment as the world rotated around them. Then they grabbed each other by the neck and crashlanded, each holding a gun to the other's forehead. 

There was a moment of silence. 

"Well," said Agent Elrond. "This is a fine mess we're in." 

"Yeah," said Neo Morpheus. "Can we start over?" 

"No," said Agent Elrond, pulling the trigger. 

Neo Morpheus heard the rolling, thunderous sound of a *click* 

"D'oh," said Agent Elrond. 

Neo Morpheus pulled the trigger on his own gun. There was another click. 

"Well, might as well resort to fisticuffs," he said. 

They got up and started fighting. 

-------------------------

"What's he doing?" said Trilogy. 

"He's starting to believe," said Nebulus. 

"Uh-oh, we got company!" said Thinks. "A bunch of flamers is comin'!" 

-------------------------

"You can't win, you know," said Neo Morpheus. "If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine." 

"I'll take my chances with that," said Agent Elrond, and punched him onto the tracks. 

Agent Elrond was holding him down in an instant as he heard the sound of ... an oncoming subway train. 

"Do you hear that, Mr. Anderson?" said Agent Elrond. "That is the sound of inevitability: your death." 

"You make it sound so corny," said Neo Morpheus. "And I told you already: My name isn't Tim Anderson." 

"All right, then," said Agent Elrond. "Goodbye, Mr. Morpheus." 

"My name ..." growled Neo Morpheus, "is _Snidely Whiplash!_" 

He jumped up, slamming Agent Elrond into the ceiling. When Agent Elrond hit the tracks, he was wearing a dress and bound head to foot in rope. A thought cloud containing "@#$%!" appeared above his head before the train squished him. 

Neo Morpheus jogged towards the escalator, just as the train slammed on its emergency brake ... and Agent Elrond stepped out. 

Neo Morpheus looked, then ran. 

-------------------------

"You can't use the FR until Neo Morpheus gets out!" exclaimed Trilogy. 

"He'll make it," said Nebulus. 

-------------------------

A man was babbling on his cell phone when Neo Morpheus grabbed it. 

"Hey!" the man exclaimed. "That guy took my phone!!" He began to glow blue. 

"Operator," said Neo Morpheus, "get me the hell outta here!" 

_"Ooh, I got one!"_ said Thinks. _"The Chase Hotel! Room 303!"_

"Right, I'll be there!" said Neo Morpheus. 

-------------------------

The Flamers found the _Narcissist_ and commenced flaming. 

"C'mon, Neo Morpheus, hurry up!" hissed Thinks. 

-------------------------

Neo Morpheus ran towards the hotel, dashing up the fire escape with Agents Shinra and Nimoy in pursuit. 

Meanwhile, Agent Elrond looked up the side of the building. 

Neo Morpheus raced into the hallway and dashed towards Room 303. Agent Nimoy reached the window just as he opened the door to room 303 -- 

-- where Agent Elrond was waiting for him, pointing a gun at his chest. 

BOOM. 

Neo Morpheus fell to the floor due to massive systems damage. 

-------------------------

"Oh my god!" said Trilogy. 

"Oh, crap," said Nebulus. "This _really_ throws a crimp in our plans." 

-------------------------

"Check him," said Agent Elrond. 

Agent shinra checked for Neo Morpheus's pulse. "He's gone," he said. 

The three Agents turned to leave. 

-------------------------

"You can't die!" Trilogy whispered to Neo Morpheus. "The Oracle said I'd fall in love with you before you died!" 

"Uh-oh!" said Thinks. "Hull breach! They're gettin' in!" 

-------------------------

There was suddenly a haze of light above Neo Morpheu's body. The three agents turned ... 

... just in time to see the words "* RAN DIES *" coalesce above his body. 

"He took on the abilities of a character who always comes back to life after getting killed," muttered Agent Nimoy. 

Neo Morpheus stood up ... and suddenly he could see the codes of the Fanfix all around him. The Agents were red images, covering green ones. 

"Then," said Agent Shinra, "he _is_ the One." 

"So, Neo Morpheus," said Agent Elrond, "allow me to make a deal. You fight us because you believe that, freed from the Fanfix, you find yourself in the real world. In reality, that isn't so: the Fanfix is, itself, part of a fanfiction story." 

"You said you wanted to make a deal," said Neo Morpheus. 

"We will cease our harrassment of your organization," said Agent Elrond, "if you stay within the fanfiction story of which the Fanfix is a part." 

"That sounds like a really good deal," said Neo Morpheus, "but I've got a better one. How about I give you the finger ... and you explode in a million fragments that scatter around the entire Internet?" 

He gave Agent Elrond the finger. Agent Elrond began to glow green. Cracks appeared all over him. "Oh, come _on_," he said, and then exploded in a million fragments that scattered around the internet. He was replaced by a very confused-looking stormtrooper. 

Neo Morpheus flexed his muscles, and the world flexed with him. 

The other two agents exchanged a glance, shrugged, and split. 

-------------------------

A Flamer arrived on the main deck, swearing and flaming like all-get-out. 

"NEO!" shouted Trilogy. 

-------------------------

Neo Morpheus heard this, raced to the phone, and grabbed it. 

-------------------------

"NOW!" said Nebulus, reaching for the "Do not push" button. 

"NO!" said Neo Morpheus. "We'll go too! We're as fictional as _they_ are!" 

"What??" said Nebulus. 

"The Fanfix _is_ a fanfic! It's a collection of fanfics _within_ a fanfic!" said Neo Morpheus. "We're not in the Real World -- we're in another fanfic!" 

The Flamer, confused by this series of events, paused a moment. 

"Now, look," said Neo Morpheus, turning to the Flamer. "I actually _agree_ with you. This is a godawful fanfic with a dumbass author. But you don't need to make yourself look even dumber." 

The Flamer continued to stare. The others looked at them, confused. 

"See, you don't have to tear us apart just because you don't like us," said Neo Morpheus. "You can also ... DIE!!" 

The Flamer exploded. The other Flamers stared a moment, then fled. 

"How the hell ...?" said Nebulus. 

"The Fanfix itself is part of a fanfiction," said Neo Morpheus. "We can't escape to the real world." He looked around. "But I'm still the One," he said. "I can still control the Fanfix. 

"And we can sure as hell do whatever we want here." 


	6. Epilogue

**_The FANFIX_**   
Epilogue

-------------------------

As soon as the IM began, they began tracking it. 

"Hello, out there," appeared on the screen. "It's me, Neo Morpheus." 

The tracking system stopped and the words "SYSTEM FAILURE" appeared. 

"Yoy must be really proud of this world you've created. Especially since it's a collection of fanfics ... within a fanfic that's one of a collection of fanfics. I know you're afraid of change. But change is coming. I'm going to show all these people that with a little work and determination ... the sky's the limit." 

He got off the computer and left the internet café. He looked up at the sky, which was, indeed, the limit. 

An airplane flying above the pay phone at this moment might have seen the young man flying up into the sky wearing what looked like a Superman outfit ... only with an N in place of the S. 

-------------------------

So, that's how the story began. And then Neo Morpheus changed the rules, so that everyone could use the Fanfix pretty well if they just knew how. Now, people weren't "released" and extracted from those boxes. They were bodily teleported from their fic to the "middle-world" in between the Fanfix and the real world. 

I said anyone could use the Fanfix however they wanted, but it still took effort and concentration, and we couldn't change the basic things as well as the One could. Still, once you got the knack for it, it was easier. 

Of course, those who had already been freed from the Fanfix -- the head honchos at Zoner, for instance -- didn't react well to the news that they were still in a fanfic. The good news was that they could still do anything they wanted. The Oracle claimed to have already known about the "middle-world"; nobody doubted him. 

And the Oracle, when the One first visited Zoner in person, said that he _was_ the real One, but to be truly victorious over the Agents, they needed to find the Two and the Three. 

And there's still the matter of Agent Elrond. We've gotten a hold of about a hundred of the fragments so that the Agents can't get him again, but there was still a million pieces. If the Agents find them all again, they could reconstruct him, and that wouldn't be nice. 

I know what you're thinking: where am _I_, in this story? Well, the truth is, this isn't where my part begins. I just thought it'd be nice for you to know how Nebulus _found_ the One before telling you how they found me. 

=========================

The brown-haired young woman giggled, reading the fanfic. "Oh, man, this is great," she said. 

Her boyfriend, who happened to be the author, walked in. "What's so funny?" he said. 

"This Matrix parody you wrote, Yar," she said. "It's hilarious." 

"Matrix parody?" said the author. "Mackenzie, where did you find it?" 

"On FanFiction.Net," she said. "Why? What's wrong?" 

He stared at the screen. "Uh, Kenzy ... I didn't write a Matrix parody. I wrote this Mega Man X fic about a hacker called Neo Morpheus ..." 


	7. The Cast

**_The FANFIX_**   
Cast

Some people were confused about who was who. So I wrote this bit up when I was supposed to be working on my MegaMan Legends novelization. 

This includes character names, which Matrix character they represent, and what their fanfic is from. 

**Neo Morpheus**   
Matrix Character: Neo   
Fanfic genre: MegaMan X 

**Nebulus**   
Matrix Character: Morpheus   
Fanfic genre: Unknown 

**Trilogy**   
Matrix Character: Trinity   
Fanfic genre: MegaMan X (The same fic as Neo Morpheus, actually) 

**Seifer**   
Matrix Character: Cypher   
Fanfic genre: Final Fantasy VIII 

**Alexin**   
Matrix Character: Apoc   
Fanfic genre: Final Fantasy I 

**Kristal**   
Matrix Character: Switch   
Fanfic genre: Pokemon. Yes, you did read that correctly. 

**Cats**   
Matrix Character: Mouse in some scenes   
Fanfic genre: Zero Wing/All Your Base 

**Kenny**   
Matrix Character: Mouse in other scenes   
Fanfic genre: Good lord, do I _really_ have to tell you?? 

**Thinks**   
Matrix Character: Tank   
Fanfic genre: None. 

**Dozent**   
Matrix Character: Dozer   
Fanfic genre: None. 

**Yoda**   
Matrix Character: The oracle   
Fanfic genre: Even more obvious than Kenny 


End file.
